Are you someone who avoids having difficult conversations to avoid conflict? Do you let uncomfortable interactions with people in your career or business hold you back from going after what you want? When someone does something that angers you, do you react in ways you regret later or feel you don't know how to respond and just stuff your feelings?
I'm here to share a conflict management tool (below) to help you sort out the elements of what I'll call the "trigger event," real or imagined, and get clear on your feelings, judgments and needs so you can respond consciously for better results. This is a deep topic with huge opportunity for you. Give yourself some quiet time to really give this a chance to create change in your life. Note: This is Secret #5 in my eBook "10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence" offered here.
Example Trigger Event. Let's use a typical business interaction with this tool. Let's say you asked a contact to make a networking introduction on your behalf to boost your job search or business development. They agreed to help you. And now it seems there has been no action. This is the "trigger event" that stimulates your reaction.
Stop and notice. What story do you make up about the person who is not doing what they offered? What assumptions do you make "in the silence" of no response? You might feel angry, impatient, disappointed.
You might be thinking, "they don't care about me" or "this is someone who doesn't keep their word" or perhaps you project it out even bigger and think "I didn't impress them enough." "No one will hire me." For some it's easy and common to blame the other person. Now for a different approach.
Footnote: As someone who often offers to make introductions, I can tell you that sometimes I am not able to respond as fast as those I offer to help would like and my commitment to help them is no less real!
Try out this conflict management tool!
The goal of this tool is to neutralize the event and separate out your judgments (assumptions), feelings and what you need to move forward. This process also helps you take responsibility for your part in the interaction rather than helplessly reacting to external events with no power. Keep in mind that your reaction is all about YOU, not them (Secret #4 in the 10 Secrets eBook).
Below is the template or formula. The blanks are filled in for our example. An explanation of the elements follows.Imagine this as a real conversation with the other person or simply an exercise you can do on your own to help you sort things out and think clearly.
"When you do not contact me with the business introduction offered (neutral event), I judge you have forgotten, don't care about me, don't keep your word, take too long to act, etc. (interpretation or opinion) and I feel frustrated, let down, angry (your emotions). What I need is to know the status of the introduction, your sincerity, to be reassured (request you make of the other person or of yourself with their help).
Here are tips on how to approach this formula and better understand the human elements that cause conflict.
- What is the neutral event, stated without judgment?! This is hard. The event in our example above is that you are not receiving an introduction (not that you are being ignored... that is a judgment influenced by emotion). State the facts here.
- What is the judgment or interpretation you have or the conclusion you draw based on the event? Perhaps you interpret that your contact chose not to act and you are not important to them (or at all).
- How do you feel? What are your emotions? You actually choose your emotions, by the way. (I told you this is deep!) Go for the emotion here, not the judgment. Feeling words are mad, sad, glad, ashamed, etc.
- What do you need or want, ideally? Avoid thinking about what they need to do. This is about you. You can actually ask for this! The other person can reply “Yes” or “No” or they might offer another option. You may only need them to be aware or you just need to express how you feel and be listened to.
Learn more in no-cost eBook "10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence"
The great thing is this way of neutralizing events has you taking full responsibility for your own reactions, opinions, feelings and judgments. Notice there are 3 "I" statements vs. the usual blaming language of "you make me feel." You will feel lighter, less stressed and more free from critical judgment. A message delivered like this to others is less threatening to hear and can lead to a stronger relationship. This tool can be useful with events where you have no control and won't likely have a conversation like if you are not hired by an employer or prospective client. The reactions are yours. Use this formula to process your reaction to help you accept the outcome.
Take Action! Think of a situation that happened recently to you and fill out this formula on your own. See what insights you get. You may be surprised!
Need help? Email Gail at gail@inspiredchoice.com for a no-cost no-obligation 30-minute call to get help using this tool.
Get more detail in the eBook "10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence"... How to use your emotions as a guide to career and business success. This eBook is offered at no-cost for now. It will be offered for $19.97 starting March 15th). Get your copy now here.
Comments