This is not meant to be an adversarial "versus," rather a comparison of how we interpret what is about ourselves and what is about others.
I want you to think of a situation or relationship at work that often challenges your or seems to often bring up conflict. Now, draw on your paper 2 stick figures; label one of them "Me" and the other label "Them." In this situation,
notice what you might be saying or thinking about the other person. Write those opinions underneath the "Them" figure. Then do the same about you in this situation and write what you judge about yourself under your "Me" figure.
Labels/Judgments. You will likely see labels about being good/bad, right/wrong, smart/dumb, nice/mean, etc. Lesson: Now imagine if there were no labels! What if you both just exist. You can both be right at the same time. I want you to see how you are 2 separate entities with your own rights, beliefs, rules, culture, histories, attitudes, etc.
Assumptions. Now review the situations in which things feel like conflict and see what assumptions you make up about the other person, not things based on fact. What conclusions do you make based on things this person says or does? Notice these are assumptions and see how you might let go of them. Lesson: See how you can let go of assumptions and instead be curious, ask questions, and confirm your guesses. (Example: if you watched or heard about the Presidential Inauguration and the taking of the oath, you might have heard that President Obama "messed up" repeating the oath. Later we learned that the Justice who swore him in was the one who didn't read the oath correctly and Obama was thrown off.)
Triggers. When we interact with others, they may say or do something that stimulates or triggers and old memory, a prior hurt or wound, or old feelings. This can start a chain reaction of feeling angry or sad in a nanosecond without our realizing it. We might react with an angry quick response or try to get even when in fact the person didn't imply anything. For example, someone might not feel well and ask you to cut your conversation short without explanation. Your feelings might be hurt and you don't even realize that growing up you were not allowed to express yourself. You can then project the same old feelings on the present situation. Lesson: Cut yourself and others some slack. Quietly, in the moment, or privately later on, replay the scenario and see what might be your personal reaction triggered by the other person.
Victim and Blame vs. Taking Responsibility. How often do you say or hear "You made me feel..." Well, as Eleanor Roosevelt (I believe) said, no one makes you feel anything without your permission. Lesson: Step into your personal power and choice and do not blame others. Set boundaries or limits on what you say "yes" to, speak up for what you need, and do not expect others to take care of you. Be responsible for your part in any conversation the same way both sides of a car accident have a responsibility.
In summary, take responsibility for your words, thoughts and beliefs in interactions with others. Learn to respond vs. react by taking a breath and being as generous and forgiving as you can, without personalizing what has happened. Finally, ask yourself what is about me and what is about them?
Consider this... other people's reactions and words are usually not about you... it's about what's going on in them!
Improve your interactions with others, reduce or avoid conflict, and be proactive by improving your relationships with this tool. Contact Gail if you want more in depth guidance or to share this learning and potential with your team.
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