Emotional Intelligence Tool #2 -- Conflict Management Worksheet

This is a tool you can use with others or as a way to privately help you take the charge or strong emotional reaction out of a situation.  Many situations we consider a conflict are really just a conversation where two people trigger strong reactions in one or both.  

The goal is to neutralize the event and separate out what your feelings are, your judgement or interpretation and what you need to move forward.  Fill in the blanks on the worksheet below as you learn new ways of thinking that will reduce conflicts.

"When you    (neutral event)   , I feel    (emotions)      and I judge/interpret      (opinion, not fact)   .   What I need is      (request from the other person)  .  (They may or may not be able to give it.)

Let's use an easy example.  Perhaps you have a work relationship with someone, maybe your boss, who cuts you off when you come to share an idea or solution to a problem. Fill in the sentence above and sort out the pieces of your reaction.  KEY!  This is all about YOU, not them.  The object here is to help you manage your emotions, get to the trigger, and cleanly ask for what you need without blaming others.  This is great emotional intelligence tool to help you self-regulate and then respond vs. react.  Your reactions are usually all about you!

• What is it they are doing without judgment!  This is hard.  The neutral event is that your flow of speech was interrupted (not that you were rudely interrupted... that is a matter of opinion influenced by emotion). 
• How do you feel?  And this is not how does it make you feel because your feelings are actually your choice. It may be habitual and it's still a choice.  Go for the emotion here, not the judgment. Feeling words are mad, sad, glad, ashamed, etc. 
• What is the judgment you have or conclusion you draw based on the event?  Perhaps you interpret that your opinion isn't important, hence you are not important.
• What do you need or want, ideally? Avoid thinking about what they need.  This is about you.  And remember that they get to say Yes or No to your request.  It might be that you just need them to be aware or you just need to express how you feel and be listened to.

Now this might be what your worksheet looks like after this self-reflection.  You can really have this conversation as a way to improve future interactions or simply use it to help you strengthen your awareness and choose a response in the future.

"When I share suggestions with you, you sometimes interrupt my speaking before I finish and I feel frustrated (a lower level of anger) and what i interpret is you don't want to hear my ideas or they don't matter.  What I request is that you let me finish my thought and comment afterwards.  Can you do that? (You might need to negotiate based on what they need from you!)

So, how will you go use this tool?  

Contact Gail if you want more in depth guidance on how to apply this tool or to share this learning and potential with your team.