Overcome the difficulty of saying "No" by starting with "Yes, and!"

If you are like me, managing time and getting all you have to get done completed is an elusive goal.  Fitting in time for what you want to do seems impossible.  I used to joke that while I slept at night, little time-stealing gremlins scheduled things on my calendar without my knowledge! 

Is this you?  As your "to do" list grows and your calendar groans, every day you resolve you are going to work smarter, be more efficient and finally get it all done! And then, not only do you only get a few things done but now you have more tasks on the list! No matter how much you try, day after day is the same! You feel overwhelmed, hopeless, stressed and out of control. 

Overview.  Join me as we look at the underlying issues and emotional hooks that contribute to this feeling of powerlessness over your time. Not to mention the bit of resentment (anger) you feel from the pressure that can "leak out" as uncharacteristic impatience in traffic, with your family, co-workers or service people waiting on you.

Below are solutions you can put to immediate use including a proven technique that helps you shift your perspective about saying "No" and take inspired action! 

Listen to a 23-minute success interview with my buddy, Joe, a financial services senior executive, who has had amazing results empowering others and himself AND reclaiming 3 hours each day by saying "No" by saying "Yes, and...!"  Click here, use the player below or download the MP3 file.

Situation.  Many of the executives, team leaders and business owners I work with talk about putting the needs of their boss or business ahead of theirs. They delay the actions that will advance their career (health, finances, relationships).  Sound familiar?  Even when you get free time, do you let other things distract you to avoid having to muster the courage and take action to update your resume, ask for an introduction to the perfect contact, start a marketing newsletter or website, or initiate the training or new habits that will get you promoted?

Issues.  There are several habits of limiting thoughts at work that stimulate limiting habits of behavior. See which of the beliefs below fit you and how this impacts your world of work and spills into your whole life. 

• Triggers.  You receive requests for your time, knowledge, and resources all day.  In some cases your true instinct and desire is to say "No." You go against that desire and priorities and say, "Yes." You take on projects, agree to attend social gatherings, and help most anyone who asks for assistance.  This leads to an unpredictable schedule, interruptions, lack of focus, priorities delayed, non-urgent higher priority future-oriented development is postponed, and opportunities are missed. Not to mention how you feel physically and emotionally strained and helpless.
• Beliefs.  You believe that to be successful and liked by your boss or prospect you must say "yes" and over-deliver. You have to be a team player. You may feel you have no choice and act out of obligation. You should please others. This is tied to our deep need to be accepted and loved.
• Responsibility.  Many of us feel responsible for the happiness of others and need to prevent or control their reactions. This is often true for women as we are taught to nurture and foster others. 
• Fears.  You may be conflict-avoidant thinking that if you turn someone down they will be angry, feel rejected.  Similarly, you may fear hearing what others will say about you.  These imagined judgments keep you from setting boundaries or putting your needs first. You fear consequences that are assumed and unfounded. You give in rather than say "No."

Solutions -- New Awareness, Updated Beliefs and New Habits.  Try the ideas below to create a shift to more positive, good-feeling thoughts and empowered action which will improve your emotions, actions and results.  If you need help applying these solutions, email Gail for help!  Listen to the recording above to hear a success story using these techniques.

1. Identify and be mindful of your mission, purpose and values. What is most important to you? (For more on how to be mission-driven, read this article.) When you are connected to a purpose greater than you, it is easier to stay committed, stay on course, and keep commitments to your Self.
2. Re-empower your Self by realizing and remembering you ALWAYS have a choice including how you feel and respond to situations, others and your Self. Even when a boss, customer or spouse makes a request, you have a choice. Others may actually benefit if you say "No" because it empowers them to learn and be more independent.
3. Remember you are a 50/50 partner in your relationships. You are not responsible for how others feel. They choose their reactions. (This assumes you are being respectful, kind and acting in integrity, of course.) 
4. Get clear on your agreements with others. Develop the habit of discussing and co-designing expectations, responsibilities, and consequences with your boss, customers, and family.  To meet your goals and keep your word on priorities to others AND to your Self, you need to set boundaries. In some cases, you need to say "No."
5. BIGGIE!  You have 3 choices when you reply to requests, even demands. You can say "Yes," "No" or renegotiate!  Ahhh... this is the secret to the power of the technique below!

Your Secret Weapon.  To help you say "No" and set boundaries say "Yes, and..."

Imagine a situation at work where you recently gave in to a request and said "Yes" to a new project or task that you don't have time for, cannot accomplish without hardship or sacrifice of something important to you, and for which you feel resentment or powerlessness. What did you believe or were afraid might have happen if you said "No?" Now, replay the same situation and imagine you had the choice to renegotiate. You always do! 

Respond by saying "Yes, and...!" and then offer a renegotiation or redirection so they get the help they need and you commit to what you can and want to do.  Break the habit of operating from obligation, fear or automatic, mindless Yes-ing!  Here are a few examples of how to reply. 

QUESTION:  Can you help me ________?  ANSWER...

• Yes, I'd like to help you and based on my schedule I can do 1 of the 3 steps involved.
• Yes, and the soonest I can get that proposal to you is Friday. Will that work for you?
• Yes and if this is a priority, I need to set aside 1 of the other projects you assigned to me.  Which one do you recommend?
• Yes and Sue down the hall is the right person for you to ask.
• Yes and the best way to help you is to direct you to the answer with this resource.

REMEMBER!  Say "Yes, and..." and not the more common "Yes, but."  When you follow "yes" with "but" you immediately discount the other person's point of view.  Use of the word "and" allows two different choices or points of views to co-exist.  This validates the other person and offers your viewpoint side-by-side.

Now it's your turn to take inspired action!  Find one opportunity today to consciously reconsider an automatic "Yes" and instead respond with "Yes, and..." Offer an alternative that honors your preferences, goals, values and commitments and still meets the needs of your requester. 

I trust you will discover that many of your fears and assumptions are not valid and most people will respect and even appreciate your thoughtfulness, helpfulness and conscious planning.  You will build and feel a sense of power, courage and conviction to protect your desires, time, resources and mission. 

Read guest interview with Faith Curtis for additional insights and wisdom.